Everything Is So Clear

7 04 2008

And by that I mean I have pretty good vision.
I left my phone in my car, again.
The dog killed a little bird and left it right in front of the kitchen door.
I don’t really like birds.
I don’t really like dead birds.

I was sitting in my car looking at this one string of big Christmas lights that wrapped around the beams of the carport garage thing (black on white) and my car was off and it was pretty sunny today and I keep thinking of Lou D. and Mike Reilly and their good and bad qualities and what if somebody (Lou?) was doing the exact same thing I was doing at that moment, just sitting in his car listening to “I wanna wake up where you are” which was on the radio and what if our bodies were layered one on top of the other and then shifted together to be one?
But not in a sexual way, really. Just in this closeness.
And what if that happened to everybody who was doing the same thing at the same time? Grocery shopping and you’re reaching out for the Honey Nut Cheerios and somebody three towns over is doing the same thing and you guys just dissolved into one another? What if that happened to multiple people? You might get so big that you can’t move. Although with me and Lou it wouldn’t be like that. We would stay pretty much the same size, the average of us, and just be. But he has so many things wrong with him.

I’m not really willing to give myself up. In any way.
Because every single time I have ever ever kissed a boy in my entire life, I have felt bad about it after. I’ve never kissed a girl. I probably wouldn’t feel great after that though, either. I dream the way she writes; I want to write in-
“On the subway I let a man touch my thigh,
And my knee, pretending that it was an accident.
He said ‘Excuse me,’ and I lingered on the edge of ‘Thank you.’ ”
– well do you see what I mean or what?

So there I was, in my car, in the half light, asking in a nonfiction here I am concrete way:
Why am I like this, why am I so sad.
I wonder – at what point in my life will I start to become frumpy and pitiable? It probably will have something to do with which profession I choose.




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