Lump Sums

25 02 2008


Swing swing. I am okay. I am sitting in a bar, with my wife. I am eating in a restaurant, with my wife. I am laying in bed, with my wife. In these stupid things, I am always with my wife. She is beautiful, as you know, but not so beautiful that she’ll cheat on me. Ever since I was little I worried that she might cheat on me. Of course I didn’t know her at the time, I could barely talk to my girl neighbor at the time, but I was worried. It was understandable. I was cute, but not that cute. And this was before. You know. Another thing I always wondered was why books never used bold or italics to emphasize words. Yeah, Danny, I wondered that when I was 6, okay?

“Okay, um, I never said anything,” Danny said.

He really didn’t say anything. he was just sitting there, listening to me ramble about my previously nonexistent wife, life. I don’t know why I do this sometimes, I mean he can just look in my face and see what I look like. He’d see (he is seeing, of course) the same brown hair, thinning, not really, messy, and blue eyes. My mom used to tell me I had beautiful blue eyes but everybody knows mothers keep their boys safe and innocent.

So we’re sitting at this bar or restaurant in Pennsylvania or Virginia or something, and we means me and my wife. I always forget and mix Dan up in these things. I should leave him in Arizona where he belongs. So me and my wife are sitting there, and it’s pretty loud but there’s a bubble of quiet around us, probably. I only say that because I’m sitting there thinking of all this, of Danny and everything and she’s probably definitely been talking to me.

“And Melissa came over yesterday, while you were in the study. She brought Julia with her and we went to the pool.”

You wore a bathing suit?” Why did I ask that?

She didn’t say anything. She might have looked at her chest a little, but I could have been making that up.

I am okay. I am sitting in a dark restaurant/bar combination with my wife. I am not alone. We are not alone. We are at a two-person table. I think I’m thinking about our neighbors. They always have sex so loud. It’s so cliche I just want to punch the woman for making me think about her. Then maybe fuck her too.

“I’ll be right back.”

“Where are you going?” she asks. My wife, I mean. Not pointedly; it’s a simple question. And, “Can you ask our waiter for the check?”

“Just to the bathroom.” I probably don’t hear the last part.

It’s true. I can’t wait to get out of there. Swinging between tenses makes me uneasy, and there are more people under thirty in one room than I can stand. I’m stumbling around this narrow dark hallway and I keep bumping into the wall it’s so sticky I’m about to throw up if I can only find the men’s room. I open a door but it leads to outside. The parking lot is crowded, but I pick out my car easily enough. I think I’m walking pretty slowly. First, I think to myself, First I think I’ll just pee. So I unzip my pants and it’s such a relief to go, even if it is in a bush. I mean, I’m a boy, I mean a man, we’re allowed to do these things right? I’m zipping up and probably stumbling over to my car. I can’t find the keys anywhere. My wife probably has them. Fuck, my wife probably has them. I sit down and lean against the driver’s side tire. I don’t even try the door. It’s kind of cold for April, but I have this ugly tweed jacket on so I’m okay.

I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here for. Probably 20 minutes, probably three hours. I’ll just get up and try the passenger’s door. It’s open. I’ll just sit here and wait for my wife. Hopefully she had enough cash on her to pay for us. I even promised I’d pay this time, too. She probably wants to go home soon. She probably wants to see me. I’ll pretend I want to see her too, I’ll pretend I want to see her flat scarred chest, her fuzzy head. She probably wants to see me.

I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here for. Probably 20 minutes, probably three hours. It’s kind of light out, which is weird. A man in a white apron comes out and walks to my car. He gets in and does this little jump-gasp thing when he sees me.

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One response

29 02 2008
martinmassera

i really liked this post
and it left me with this empty sensation somewhere in my body, not in my stomach but in my stomach
may i please have the password for the other posts?

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